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 Are there families where no clashes of interests, views, aspirations ever occur? It is hard to believe in the reality of such ideal alliances. Because two beings living under the same roof - even the most loving, the most friendly - are still two different beings.
And even if a hundred times in a row their interests, views, aspirations coincide, the one hundred and first will arise when they collide. And yet the conflict will not break out. What kind of guardian angel, what kind of talisman supports the indestructible peace in the house of these lucky ones? After all, it seems that we, in principle, treat each other kindly, we even miss each other in separation, but conflicts in the family - trifling and serious, momentary and with resentment for years - is a familiar thing, almost everyday ...
The dictionary of foreign words gives the following interpretation of the word "conflict": strife, disagreement, dispute, threatening complications.
Family conflicts rarely go without complications, which can be expressed in a cooling of relations, up to outright dislike, nervous and behavioral breakdowns of the conflicting parties, and finally, in a change in the well-being of children growing up in a family. But since the conflict and its consequences are often remote in time and outwardly do not have a clear relationship, other spouses, by and large, are not worried about their clashes that end in quarrels: "It is great importance, how we quarreled, so we will reconcile."
This misconception is as dangerous as underestimating the severity of a disease, such as flu, formidable just complications.
In other cases, the explosiveness of the psychological climate in the house is beyond doubt for us, and we would be happy to do something, but we don't know what ...
First, let's try to “dissect” the situation, see the true cause behind the external cause of the conflict. However, this is not always easy to do. In difficult situations, a person's psychological defense mechanism is triggered, he expels thoughts and ideas from his consciousness that can cause mental confusion, pain, and conscience. Therefore, we are trying to soften, smooth out, and even reduce to naught our own guilt in creating a conflict.
But is there a lot of benefit from such "manipulations"? After all, the unpleasant, expelled from consciousness, moves into the soul and takes root there. Once, twice, three times ... And now we are in the grip of severe, inexplicable stress, or even deep depression, which others cannot get out of without the help of a doctor ...
From the Christian vocabulary, the word "repentance" has entered our language. No cleansing is possible without repentance - including cleansing family relationships from squabbles, quarrels, and offenses. Therefore, trying to find out the true cause of the conflict, try - first in front of yourself - without any condescension to yourself to name your wrongness, mistake, "sins, voluntary and involuntary." If this succeeds, the summer will take the second step: try to take the point of view of another participant in the conflict (for example, a husband). Very likely you will have to admit, "He's right in his own way." But what if, even with strict reflection, you cannot deny yourself the rightness? Does this mean that an unsolvable situation has arisen? Not necessary. After all, there may be several truths, but the truth is one. For those who make up a family union, it is the vitality of this union that is the truth. If you both understand this, then there is a chance to come to an agreement.
But here's another task: to negotiate, that is, to discuss a conflict situation in order to find the best way out of it, you also need to be able to! Not to break down on mutual reproaches, to contain the outbreak of irritation, to take into account the mood of the interlocutor and his point of view - all this is "under stress" from an impending or barely cooled quarrel - oh, how difficult it is! But here the personal qualities of each of the spouses will manifest themselves - self-criticism, the ability to control oneself, the ability to empathize with another, generosity. And what is very important - the true desire of everyone to preserve peace in the family will become obvious.
“Let’s sit side by side, talk okay,” our ancestors used to say.And we - with the slightest threat of conflict - should set ourselves up for just such a conversation: side by side.
Let's assume the following situation. During dinner, the wife puts a plate of borscht in front of her husband. He frowns: “Again borscht? I asked to cook a pea. Is it difficult for you? " The wife is imperturbable: "No peas, I forgot to buy." - “Forgot? You've been forgetting for a month now! You cannot ask for anything. I'm tired of this soup! " - “Well, don't eat, since you're tired! All wrong! You won't please! " - etc. "Further" can be a stream of mutual reproaches, accusations, the crackle of a door slammed in the hearts (to another room or from an apartment), many hours, or even many days of boycotting each other ...
What is the reason for this quarrel? Is it really the “wrong” soup? Most likely, it is just a push to unwind a spring that has not yet been wound. Which one? Each family has its own reasons for quarrels, but typical, most common ones can be identified.
The conflicts united in the first group will be called inter-role conflicts, because each of us in the family performs several roles at once.
Husband wife. Struggle for leadership, resistance to the dictates of the spouse; partial discrepancy or even the opposite of views on the distribution of responsibilities in the family; negative assessment of the quality of their implementation; sexual disharmony.
Mother father. Differences in views on the methods and ways of raising children; struggle for priority influence on the child.
The daughter-in-law is the mother-in-law (father-in-law).
Struggle for influence over the son (husband); attempts to dictate, suppress freedom, independence; personal animosity.
Son-in-law - mother-in-law (father-in-law). Same.
We will not talk about the causes of conflicts between parents of the middle generation and children now, this topic is special. Let's single out two more groups of the most typical reasons that give rise to conflicts in the family.
"Intrapersonal" - they are a reflection of dissatisfaction with oneself, one's life and activities.
And further. Psychologists say that for some families, quarrels are used as a means of diversifying a dull, boring, overly regulated life.
The scandal "around a plate of borscht" may have a much deeper and more serious reason than the husband's "culinary" fastidiousness, and be just another link in a long chain of insoluble conflict.
An interesting look at the nature of many family quarrels of the American psychotherapist E. Berne. He "came to the conviction that there are three basic" I "in everyone:" child "," adult "and" parent. " “Child” is all that remains in you from your childhood. Shyness and gullibility. Love for the game and unwillingness to reckon with all sorts of "must" and "no". Whims and willingness to obey. Living fantasy and self-doubt. “Parent” is what you learned from your own parents (or other adults) as a child. Severity. Confidence in the correctness of all these "must" and "must not". Authoritative tone. The position of the patronizing or punishing person. Invulnerability against “criticism from below”. Omnipotence and omniscience. Well, an "adult" is that way of thinking, that style of behavior that you developed step by step when you left childhood, leaving behind, along with childishness, blind imitation of your elders. Here is sobriety, and skepticism, and a sense of duty, and the ability to restrain your emotions, and prudence, and understanding of your capabilities, and in addition the ability to put up with life in its most boring, most grounded aspects. "
Some of us are more often a “parent” than an “adult” or “child”, another prefers the position of a “child”, while the third one prefers the “I” of an “adult”. That is, all three "I" in us exist simultaneously, but are active in different ways.
Now let's imagine that the wife prefers to communicate with her husband from the position of “parent”. If the “adult” is strong enough in the husband, then the wife will most likely have to change the style of behavior. If the husband is more than all a "child", then sooner or later he will be subordinate to his wife, that is,in this situation, disharmony is ensured, and one day it may result in a conflict with the most sad consequences for the family. Skirmishes are inevitable even if both act from the position of "parent".
The ideal option, that is, the option of truly friendly relations, is when each will give the other the opportunity to speak alternately from three different positions. It is only necessary to take into account that the interaction of the three “I” of one person with the three “I” of another can be both explicit and hidden. If it is not difficult to react to the obvious in the right tone, then the “I”, prevailing latently, can provoke wrong behavior.
And of course, each of us must learn to control ourselves in the manifestation of our "I" in order to preserve the dignity of a loved one and our own, in order to protect the relationship from minor skirmishes and collisions "with complications."
We mentioned the inter-role conflicts between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law (son-in-law and mother-in-law). Unfortunately, they are quite common. This is the figure the researchers received: a third of divorces are due to the interference of the elders in the life of the middle generation. In reality, this percentage is probably higher, because any negative influence can be carried out implicitly, gradually.
This problem is deeply rooted in our psyche, social miscalculations of society, low level of general culture and culture of relationships. In conflicts of this kind, moral flaws also play a role - a lack of good feelings in us for each other, compassion, generosity and tolerance.
Probably, when every young family in our society, from the moment of its emergence, will have separate housing, economic independence, the problems of relations with the older generation will become easier to solve. But there is no doubt that even then the personal qualities of people, their desire and ability to live without causing harm to others will be important.
But here's what is significant. Most grandmothers and grandfathers, participants in inter-role family conflicts, do not at all set themselves insidious, "harmful" plans to destroy the family, especially if children have already appeared in it.
They explain all their behavior with good intentions: "We want the best." They are trying to squeeze the life of a family with different ideas about the “best” into the image of the “best” created for themselves, the characters and behavior of people other than themselves. And there wouldn't be a big trouble from that (after all, they really want good!), If, communicating with the middle generation, the elders more often excluded from their three “I” - “I” the “parent” (remember E. Berne's theory?). The more sincere the desire for good, the kinder and more unobtrusive the advice and wishes. For their children are no longer children. And if constant teachings, unshakable confidence in one's righteousness, denial of the very possibility of "criticism from below" are impermissible in the upbringing of little ones, then they are all the more absurd when they are addressed to those who are too late to educate ...
"Remember, son: there can be many wives, but only one mother!" - such a parting word to an independent life was heard by more than one young man.However, this is not only parting words, but - most often - a kind of final formula in the family education system, from where this young husband came out. Who are we trying to raise out of our boys? Good sons, real (as we understand it) men, good workers, bright personalities, finally ... And - husbands? Probably even less often than girls - good wives in the future. Isn't it strange? We so passionately wish our children to be happy in life, and so little help them in this. After all, a good husband is not the "one-sided" happiness of someone's daughter, it is also his own happiness.
"There can be many wives ..." Maybe. But will this add joy to your "beloved" ...
It is interesting:
One Danish married couple has been collecting and keeping strict records of their marital conflicts for over 45 years.As a result of their unusual "collection", 9236 large and small marital quarrels were recorded; 2087 reproaches the husband addressed to his wife because of the tasteless or untimely prepared dinner; 1655 comments he made about the actual or apparent extravagance of his dear "half". The wife received 1,009 lectures about her husband's dirty shoes and randomly thrown clothes after returning home. The spouses are unanimous on one thing: to continue their unusual collecting.
New Zealand couple Curtis and Lena Vrayera have enjoyed a truly icy relationship for 46 years. Almost immediately after the wedding, due to some minor and insignificant conflict, they decided that they would refrain from talking with each other, limiting everything to purely domestic business relationships. The spouses turned out to be "tough nuts" and they still keep their word. True, during this time they had five children. “I am confident that we remain the only married couple in the world with only one fight in their history,” says Curtis proudly. I wonder if he's right about that?
Who starts family fights? One of the English magazines decided to find the answer to this question. According to the data obtained, conflicts are usually started by women - they account for more than 60 percent of all cases of quarrels. The most common causes of such unpleasant situations in the family are the husband's friends, relatives, the size of the salary received and, in general, money problems, as well as a number of others close to these. Among them, a special place is occupied by "the spouse's passion to linger in a cafe or pub with his friends."
A resident of the American city of Tampa wrote to his beloved such fiery messages that she, overcoming all doubts, married him. But on the tenth day after the wedding, she learned from her husband that all his declarations of love word for word had been copied from letters stored in her grandmother's archive. This "fraud" shocked her husband so much that the very next day she took her divorce petition to court, citing the nervous shock of this news and the inability to live with a person capable of such treachery.
According to published data from a study conducted in Tokyo, more than 80% of respondents believe that the establishment of full equality between a man and a woman is impossible. In their opinion, the fairer sex should be engaged in household chores and raising children, and their husbands should fully devote themselves to work. Most young Tokyo residents stated that they do not perceive the image of a "business woman" and prefer that their future wives were only good housewives.
In the Bulgarian village of Sudima, 118 married men have established a son-in-law club. Its main task is to "exchange experience" to establish tolerant relationships with the mother-in-law.
In Paris, there is an unusual hairdressing salon for men, which takes into account the characteristics of the character and even the mood of its visitors. So, some are attracted by the "barber shop of the silent", where the master does not utter a word during work, others are attracted by the "thematic" salons "Sport", "Politics", etc. Here skilled hairdressers will gladly support the conversation on topics of interest to clients. The most popular issues for discussion are family, marriage and ... mother-in-law. Sometimes there are queues at the doors of such offices. Some of the regulars of the salon come here primarily to "talk".
For more than 20 years, a small Danish center for historical and archaeological research near Copenhagen has become a place for many who wish to get rid of stress. In primitive dwellings that have survived from the 5th century. and. e., they spend two whole weeks. Survival is the only goal facing the “settlers from the 20th century”. They are obliged to take care of food, clothing, and lodging themselves without using the latest achievements of science and technology. However, there is no end of visitors: everyone who has passed such a 14-day survival marathon is in a great mood.As they themselves say: "As if they were 15 centuries younger!"
As you know, a sense of humor helps to overcome various everyday difficulties. Moreover, many representatives of the medical community are gradually coming to the conclusion that "a person's ability to laugh is as important an indicator of his health as all others that doctors check" (this definition belongs to a doctor, author of the book "On Laughter, or Healing the power of humor "to the American R. A. Modi Jr.). Here is just one example from the “collection” of specialists. Jane Nelson, a marriage consultant, has lived in constant time pressure for a long time. Gradually, she began to notice that she was losing her cheerfulness and sense of humor, especially when it came to her husband and children. “I realized that we needed drastic measures, and decided to make sure that my family received a“ portion ”of humor every day,” says Jane. “I started by putting funny clippings and cartoons into school lunch boxes, sticking them on the mirror and the refrigerator door.” Instead of buying birthday cards and anniversaries, she began to write funny poems. “One morning when I woke up in a bad mood, my son walked into the kitchen wearing a giant clown nose,” she recalls. “I could not resist laughing, and the bad mood vanished.”
By the way, cultivating the soil for conflicts in the family with their own hands, parents are often simply ruthless to their "beloved" ones.
Another son (or daughter) rushes "between two fires", not knowing how, when and for whom to stand up. But “for” someone at the same time means “against” another ... You can't offend your mother, but you feel sorry for your wife too ... What a poor fellow!
Excuse me, but why is it necessary "for" and "against"? Human morality has developed more than one model of behavior in conflict situations, and we so often use the most primitive one. Is it from your own weakness? Indeed, in order not to burn yourself "between two fires", but to extinguish both, you need firmness, and endurance, and love. Of course, love is for your mother and the mother of your children ...
Children ... The younger generation. In conflicting families - the most suffering side. Researchers have established that for a small person to develop fully, love “separately” is not enough for him - maternal, paternal, grandmother ... A child needs those who love him to love each other! It is then that all the best and healthiest things inherent in nature are manifested in him. Otherwise ... Alas, "contrary cases" are well known to all of us ...
Sashina E.Yu. The ABC of Home Economics
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